


Pink Valentine

by Say Im Your Homie (Elegant_Force)



Category: Neo Yokio
Genre: Charles Parable, Framing narrative is ALSO Kazangelo, Kazangelo AF, M/M, Story being told by Charles to Kaz on a holiday
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-07 06:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17954927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elegant_Force/pseuds/Say%20Im%20Your%20Homie
Summary: When Kaz fakes illness on Valentine's Day to avoid running into Cathy and Mark at Freddie Miles's V-Day Party, Charles decides to tell him another story to lift his spirits. However, Kaz's dissatisfaction with the Christmas story leads Charles to give Kaz more control resulting in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" style narrative.Though there is nothing Kaz can do to stop Charles from shoving Arcangelo into this Valentine’s Day story at every possible opportunity.





	1. The Best Goddamn Funeral this City Has Ever Seen

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: So, I had accidentally checked the "enable comment moderation" box on this story by mistake. Sorry if that confused anyone. 
> 
> So, this is my long-promised Valentine’s Day fic. It was written for the Valentine’s Day exchange on Tumblr (organized by the wonderful NeoYokioPoliceDepartment) for FirstsOnFire (Tumblr). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. I’ve tried to separate the sections in a way that is easy to read. In the original Google Doc I had the story that Charles was telling in Neo Yokio pink, but that won’t work here. I hope it’s not confusing. Also sorry this took so long, if you follow my Tumblr, you know I’ve been sick. I’m basically better now. 
> 
> This story should be 3 or 4 parts, I'm almost done writing the whole thing. I intended to get back to "Confirmed Bachelors" pretty soon though. You should see a new chapter for that in the next 7-10 days or so. 
> 
> Finally, this fic was Betaed by the awesome cherrydior (Ao3), thanks so much for your help! 
> 
> As always, Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated! Please give me feedback if you have time.

“And here is the TWG Imperial Rose tea in your new Gucci mug, just as requested, sir.” Charles said, putting a lidded ceramic mug with a bee on it down next to Kaz’s bed. Kaz was sitting in bed, wrapped in his duvet. He reached for his tea as soon as Charles set it down. “Though, I must say, you really do have the devil’s luck. First Christmas and now Valentine’s Day. It is most unfortunate that you’ve fallen ill on a second holiday within two months’ time.”

Kaz gave Charles an annoyed look. “Very funny, Charles. I’m in no mood to have attention called to the social and moral implications of my actions. Besides, it’s hardly a deception, for while my infirmity may be an act, my suffering is all too real. And, as a result, I am in no state to attend Freddie Miles’s themed Valentine’s Day party.”  

“But, sir, you’ve always taken such joy in attending Mr. Miles’s soirees. It seems a shame for you to spend Valentine’s Day alone; it _is_ the most romantic day of the year.”

“No, Charles. It’s the loneliest day of the year. Especially since Cathy is in town for her father’s birthday and has brought that race car driving idiot with her. The last thing I want to do is spend the entire evening forced to watch their public displays of affection.”

“Surely, though, failing to appear at such a high profile event could threaten your rank on the Bachelor Board.”

“I suppose. And while I have no doubt that Arcangelo is taking every opportunity to point out my absence to the rest of society, I refuse to jeopardize my emotional well-being just to show him up.”

“I sincerely doubt Mr. Corelli would do that sort of thing to you now. He’s been much more amiable since the Grand Prix. I’d even venture to say that the two of you were friends.”

“Friends?” Kaz gave Charles a skeptical look. “I mean, I guess we were while the Bachelor Board was down. He _did_ really help me out during the Grand Prix.”

“You see, sir? I’m certain your connection is strong enough to endure those unavoidable small injuries resulting from societal pressures and expectations.”

“I don’t know, Charles. I’ve come to realize that the minds of others are metaphysical puzzle boxes of inscrutability.” Kaz took a sip of his tea and shot a doleful look out the window. “Until a few months ago, I thought I understood the key figures in my life. Cathy loved me, Arcangelo hated me, and you were a classy robot butler. Then, in less than a month’s time, everything changed. Now Cathy thinks I’m a jealous psychopath, Arcangelo wants to be my best friend, and you’re a crass woman in a mech suit. At this point, I don’t know _what_ to think about anyone anymore. I just wish that someone would be honest with me.”

“Your gift for honesty is both rare and precious. Others may find it much more difficult to express, or even recognize, their genuine feelings and opinions.”

“I know,” Kaz said. “But that doesn’t make things any less confusing.”

There was suddenly a loud bump from the other side of the room, attracting Kaz’s attention. “What was that?”

Charles had also looked over at the source of the sound. “Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing, sir.”  He was silent for a moment. " _I_ know what will lift your spirits. How about I tell you another original, holiday-themed story?” Charles sounded almost excited by the idea.

Kaz gave him a wary look. “I’m not so sure about that, Charles. The last story you told me had a pretty dark ending. It didn’t exactly lift my spirits.”

“What if I promise you’ll be happy with the ending this time?”

“How can you possibly promise that?”

“Because I’ll let _you_ help determine it.”

Kaz suddenly seemed more interested. “You mean like a Choose Your Own Adventure?”

“Yes, precisely.”

“Well, that should be alright I guess. As long as my choices _actually_ impact the story. The purpose of choice in stories is to explore branching narrative possibilities, not to attempt a clumsy commentary on a lack of true human agency by misleading an audience. ”

“I couldn’t agree more, sir,” Charles answered. “Anything else you wish for me to know before we begin?”

“Not really. As long as you remember my notes from last time.” Kaz thought for a moment, then interrupted Charles right before he was about to begin. “Oh, I’d like the story to be less dark. Well, I mean, it shouldn’t to be overly-saccharine, obviously. A story has to have some adversity, of course, but some wish-fulfillment isn’t the end of the world. No audience is going to stay invested in a story that never gives them anything they want.”

“I understand completely. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Charles was readying himself to start, when Kaz suddenly spoke again. “Honestly, the last one felt sort of judgmental, I guess? I don’t know, just make it so I like it more.  Maybe it would help if the focus was less all over the place. Last time you _said_ I would be the main character, but then the story ended up being more about the city and the Great Demon than anything else. It was hard for me to really stay engaged.”

“Of course, sir.” Charles now sounded ever-so-slightly overwhelmed.

Kaz looked up at Charles after settling into his blankets. “So, are you going to start?”

“Right away, sir.” Charles said. “Our story begins with Neo Yokio’s most talented magistocrat, and second most eligible bachelor, in the midst of defeating another vile demon that threatens one of our city’s most popular plazas.”

* * *

 

“Release Aranda \ Lasch + Marcelo Coelho’s ‘Window to the Heart,’ you disgusting fiend!” Kaz said. “It was the ideal location for a Valentine’s Day Instagram photo!”

The demon, which had possessed the giant lens that served as Times Square’s Valentine’s Day display, shot a blast of pink energy out of the heart-shaped hole at its center. The heart glowed pink as the demon laughed. It flew into one of the nearby shop displays, labeled “Vintage Elegance: Priceless Artifacts from Olde Neo Yokio,” breaking the window and causing several fashionable nineteenth century items to spill out onto the street.

Kaz barely dodged the blast, which singed the tips of his hair, as a group of people in Times Square looked on. Arcangelo and the East Side Gentlemen stood at the front of the crowd, Arcangelo was holding up his phone and laughed as Kaz ran by him. “Maybe you should be nicer to it, Kaz. From what I hear, it’s the closest you’ve come to getting a date for Valentine’s Day.”

“Sorry, Arcangelo. I don’t have time for your petty bullshit right now, because I’m working. I know you’re confused by the concept.”

“You vain, selfish fools will never break the chains placed on you by your obsession with trends and appearances! Your enslavement to fashion will be your end!” The demon said, drawing Kaz’s attention again.

“How dare you?” Kaz asked, shooting a blast of energy at the demon. The blast hit the demon, connecting it to Kaz’s hands with streaks of blue light. He strained with effort as he attempted to pull the demon out of the sculpture. “True fashion does not enslave us! It frees us from the mundane trappings of this dismal world!”

The pink light began to separate from the clear disk as the demon cried out in pain.

“To paraphrase the late Gianni Versace, we decide who we are and what we want to express by the way we dress and the way we chose to live!” The pink light separated from the sculpture and coalesced into a ball of energy. It struggled to escape from the blue light that held it, but failed. “In his sacred memory, I vanquish thee!”

The pink orb struggled a bit more before it disintegrated into nothing. The clear disc began to fall to the ground, but Kaz caught it with his own magic, lowering it back onto the ground. He turned to the crowd, who all began to cheer, except for Arcangelo and the East Side Gentlemen. Arcangelo smiled for a brief moment, then put on a begrudgingly impressed expression, before putting his phone back in his pocket and giving a few reluctant claps.

“All in a day’s work, good people of Neo Yokio!” Kaz said as he waved at the crowd. A few seconds later a picture of Kaz  in mid-battle with the demon appeared on the giant flat screen behind him under the Bachelor Board.

As the people cheered even louder, confetti graphics and text reading “Neo Yokio’s New #1 Bachelor” appeared on the picture. Kaz looked over at Arcangelo with a smirk. “Better luck next time, Arcangelo!”

Kaz waved at the crowd a few more times, then looked at Charles. “Ah. All’s right with the world.”

“Indeed, sir.”

He began to walk over to the crowd, but stopped as he got to the vintage items that were still spilled out onto the street and sidewalk. One of the items caught his eye, and he bent over to pick it up. He examined it for a moment then held it up to Charles. It appeared to be some sort of jewel-encrusted, paw on a heavy gold chain. “What’s this?”

“It appears to be a mummified animal’s paw of some sort. Monkey, perhaps?” Charles suggested.

**_“Woah, no! Stop!”_ **

* * *

 

“Is something wrong, sir?” Charles asked. Kaz was now sitting up in his bed looking annoyed.

“Is something _wrong_?” Kaz was offended. “This is disgusting, that’s what’s wrong! I wouldn’t touch some dead animal’s severed body part! What the hell were you thinking?”

“I know it seems strange, but the Monkey’s Paw is a classic narrative device. I assure you it has a very important purpose within the story.”

“Well, can’t you give that purpose to something else?” Kaz asked. “You _said_ I had some narrative control over the story, right? Well, I’m exercising it now. Get rid of the gross monkey paw!”  

“Very well, sir,” Charles answered. “While I come up with a suitable alternative, do you have any other feedback you would like me to incorporate?”

“Not really. The rest of it is actually pretty good this time.”

There was another bump from the other side of the room and Kaz looked over at it. “Seriously, what is that?”  
  
“I believe your Aunt may have scheduled some requested maintenance for today, seeing as you were originally planning to be at the party,” Charles said.

Kaz sighed. “Right. Ugh. Perfect. Today just gets better and better.”

“You were saying something about the story, sir?”

“Oh yeah, right.” Kaz perked up a bit. “I like that you went straight to the action and didn’t waste any time building up new, minor characters. Every story needs a good hook. This was much more engaging and immersive. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the dead animal parts, it would have been perfect.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sir,” Charles said. “Now, I believe I have thought of a suitable replacement. Shall I continue?”

“Yes, please.”

* * *

 

Kaz began to walk over toward the crowd, but stopped as he got to the vintage items that were still spilled out onto the street and sidewalk. Something caught his eye, and he bent over to pick it up. He looked at the grey, leather glove in his hand, clearly curious. “This glove is remarkably well-made. It’s a shame that it doesn’t have its mate.”

“You wouldn’t happened to have seen the proprietor of this fine store?” Kaz looked over at the sound of Arcangelo’s voice. He was holding up the other glove. “This hit me in the face during your little demon wrangling session. I was going to be upset, but it’s absolutely exquisite. Though, obviously, it needs a mate... and it’s not the only one,”  He looked Kaz up and down at that comment. His expression changed, however, as he caught sight of the other glove in Kaz’s hand. “Oh, you found it! Thanks, Kaz.”

He held out his hand for Kaz to hand him the glove, which he did not do. Arcangelo gave him a confused look. “I _said_ ‘thanks, Kaz.’ So… now, you hand me the glove.”

“No way, Arcangelo!” Kaz said, pulling his own glove back close to his body. “Why should _you_ get them? You wouldn’t have even seen them if _I_ hadn’t been fighting that demon!”

“Woah! There’s no need for negativity, homeslice, we’ll just ask for another pair,” Arcangelo said, holding up his hands to placate Kaz.

Kaz looked at him, clearly confused by his sudden friendliness. “Whatever.”

“Finally.” Kaz said, as a shopkeeper came out of the “Vintage Elegance” boutique to observe the damage. “Do you have another pair of these gloves?”

The shopkeeper looked at him, obviously confused by the question. “Of course not. They’re one of a kind.”

She walked over to Kaz and took one of the gloves, turning it partially inside out to reveal a cloth label sewn into the lining. Written in elegant cursive on the label were the words “Beau Brummell.”

“You see, Mr. Kaan, these are the prized dove grey, kid leather gloves of Sir Beau Brummell,” she said.

Kaz and Arcangelo both suddenly seemed much more interested. “Beau Brummell, creator of the Bachelor Board and Neo Yokio’s first Ichiban?” Kaz asked.  
  
“Widely acknowledged as the father of modern men’s fashion, whose taste and elegance is undoubtedly responsible for the prominence of the dark suit and tie?”  Arcangelo added.

“The very one,” the shopkeeper said.

“Rumor has it that Sir Brummell employed three tailors in the construction of his gloves,” Charles said. “One for the hand, one for the fingers, and one for the thumb.”

“That explains the craftsmanship,” Kaz said. “Now I definitely want them.”

“The story behind these gloves is even more magnificent,” the shopkeeper said. “Allegedly, Brummell, like any visionary, wished to push the limits of sartorial possibility. So, for _this_ pair of gloves, he invited old world sorcerers, the same people who would later become Magistocrats, to come and work for him to attempt to weave their magic into his clothing. Legend had it, he wanted the gloves to grant wishes.”

Kaz made a somewhat annoyed face. “I already said I’d take the gloves. There’s no need for the hard sell.”

“Excuse you, but I do still have one of the gloves,” Arcangelo said. “And _I_ want them.”

“These gloves are rightfully mine! They were made by Magistocrats!”

“They were made by glorified magic tailors,” Arcangelo said. “And these gloves belong just as much to me as they do to you. Sir Beau Brummell happens to be one of _my_ ancestors.”

Kaz looked at him. “What? No way!”

“It’s the truth, sir,” Charles said. “After years at the top of the Bachelor Board, Beau Brummell married the sole heiress to the Corelli family. Given his humble origins and a lack of male heirs to the family, he agreed to let their children carry the Corelli name. As such, it would appear you both have equal claim to the gloves.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do, then?” Kaz asked.

Charles thought for a moment. “This reminds me of one of my favorite Biblical parables about the wisdom of King Solomon. A wise and just ruler, he spent his days hearing the complaints of his people and advisin—”

“We get it, Charles, you like the Bible. Now, can you speed this up? I wanted to go shopping.”

“Right, sir,” Charles said.  “One day, a two women came to him with a baby, both claiming to be the mother. As this was a much less progressive time, he knew that only one of them could be the mother. So, he devised a test to determine which of the two women cared more for the child. I believe the test can be modified for your current situation. Assuming you both agree.”

Arcangelo looked at Charles. “And how can I be sure this will be a fair test? You are Kaz’s butler.”

“Besides the fact that you can check its consistency in the most widely read book in human history, I give you my word that I will be fair and equitable in this contest,” Charles answered.

Arcangelo sighed. “Alright, fine.”

“Well, in that case I propose you split the gloves in half, and each keep one.”

Kaz seemed doubtful. “I don’t know, wearing just one glove might be a bit _too_ avant garde.”

“Oh, I’m sure _I_ could pull it off,” Arcangelo answered. “I can see why _you’d_ be nervous though.”

Kaz’s eyes narrowed and he gave Arcangelo a competitive smirk. “Please. Anything you can make look good, I can make look better. You’re on, Arcangelo.”

Arcangelo returned the smirk, then looked at the shopkeeper. “We’ll each take one of the gloves. Just split the price between our two accounts.”

The shopkeeper seemed a bit distressed. “Y-You want to split up the set of one of Sir Beau Brummell’s most prized articles of clothing, destroying a valuable piece of Neo Yokian history?”

“Did I stutter, serf?” Arcangelo asked. “Just do it.”

“Y-Yes, of course, Mr. Corelli.”

“Guess we won’t be needing that test, after all,” Kaz said to Charles. “This is probably better anyway. What if I’d failed?”

“I can only imagine, sir,” Charles answered, defeated.

Kaz put on his glove and looked at with a smile as he began to walk away. “Wow, it fits perfectly. Maybe there’s some magic in it after all. Can you really believe that shopkeeper tried to tell me these gloves could grant wishes? How ridiculous. Clearly, anyone who thinks Magistocrat magic could do that is a total idiot.”

“But if it could, what _would_ you wish for, sir?”

**_“Umm, why did you stop?”_ **

* * *

 

“Because this is the first choice you get to make in the story, sir,” Charles said.

“I get to decide what to wish for?” Kaz asked.

“That’s correct.”

“And I can ask for anything?”

“Indeed.”

“While I appreciate you taking my critiques so seriously, when I said stories needed an element of wish-fulfillment I didn’t necessarily mean it literally.”

“Shall I remove the wish-granting element of the story then? Is it too whimsical? I can make the story more realistic.”

“No. I’m definitely digging the magical realism,” Kaz said. “I just don’t want you to feel creatively stifled.”

“Not to worry. My creativity is still very much intact.”

“But _do_ try not to make the story _too_ predictable. There aren’t that many wish narratives, and they’re all pretty tired. Just try to mix it up a bit.”

“Understood, sir.”

* * *

 

“You should know this already, Charles. You know that more than anything I wish I could actually see my funeral without having to die.”

**_“Sir, I apologize, but excuse me?”_ **

* * *

 

“What, Charles?” Kaz was confused and annoyed by the interruption. “These constant breaks in the action are really starting to negatively impact my ability to engage with the story.”

“I simply... Are you _certain_ that’s what you want?”

“Yes, of course it is. I’ve spent countless hours designing my grave and planning my funeral, all knowing I’ll never actually see it. You have access to all of the documents, just use those.”

“Very well, sir.”

* * *

 

“Ah yes, of course, sir,” Charles said.

“Now, let’s head over to Bergdorf’s. I’m going to need a new outfit to go with this glove.”

“Very good, sir.”

Just as Kaz was about to climb on top of Charles’s back, a ball of pink demonic energy came out of nowhere and streaked toward him from behind.  

“Kaz, behind you!” Arcangelo called out.

Kaz turned around, but not in time to block the energy ball. Upon hitting Kaz it emitted a bright white light, blinding everyone in the area.

“What was that?” Charles asked, as the light subsided. He turned to look at Kaz, however, Kaz was nowhere to be seen.

“Sir? Where are you?” Charles began to look around for him, but Kaz was nowhere to be seen.

Arcangelo ran over to Charles. “Well, where is he? What happened to him?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Corelli.”

“What do you mean you ‘don’t know?’” Arcangelo asked. “You’re a state of the art mechabutler. Surely you have scanners for this sort of thing.”

“Of course, sir. But I’ve already scanned the area in search of Young Master Kaan and have found no trace of him. He’s simply… gone.”

**_“Wait, wait, wait!"_**

* * *

 

“Yes, sir?” Charles was beginning to sound put-out.  

“Well, what happened to me? Where am I? Am I dead?” Kaz asked.

“That’s the question, isn’t it?”

Kaz was upset. “You can’t do that! You can’t just kill me off! I specifically asked _not_ to die!”

“Then, it stands to reason, you haven’t.”

“Then, can you just go ahead and put things back in my perspective? It just helps to keep things interesting.”

Charles was silent for a moment. “As you wish, sir.”

* * *

 

Kaz watched as Sadie popped out of the mech suit. Even though she was standing right in front of him, she didn’t seem to see him. “Kaz! Seriously, you little shit, cut this out! It’s not fucking funny!”

Kaz looked at her, clearly confused. “Can you not see me? I’m right here.”

“As vulgar as she is, the strange woman inside of your butler is right. If you’re playing some sort of game with us, Kaz, it’s time to quit,” Arcangelo said.

Kaz walked in front of Arcangelo now, waving his hand in front of him. “You can’t see me either? What the hell is going on? Am I invisible? This is totally wack!”

Arcangelo sighed. “Look, I shouldn’t have negged on you earlier. We don’t have to fight anymore, if that’s what you want.”

Sadie looked at the obviously nervous and concerned Arcangelo for a moment. “Hey, Kaz! Come back and pretty-boy here will wear whatever you want to that stupid yuppie party of yours this weekend. The cheapest, ugliest knock-offs we can find.”

“I _what—_?” Arcangelo asked.

Sadie glared at him, annoyed. “Do you want to know if he’s still out there or not, you stupid ponce?”

“Ugh. Fine,” Arcangelo said. “If you think this will actually work, I’ll do it.”  

“Woah, seriously?” Kaz looked at Arcangelo. “You’d do that? But you’re already in second, who knows what that would do to your standing on the Bachelor Board.”

After a few moments without a response, Sadie looked at Arcangelo. “Well, pretty sure he’s dead.”

“Uh, no. I’m fine. I mean, I’m invisible and no one can hear me, but besides that, I’m fine.” Kaz looked at the glove he was still wearing. “Wait, is _this_ the wish? Did this thing actually _work_?”

Kaz looked at Arcangelo and Sadie for a moment. “Huh, I guess I could wish myself visible again. And that _would_ mean I got make Arcangelo look like a total fool at Freddie’s party. But then I wouldn’t get to see my funeral.”

Kaz thought for a moment, then smirked. “Although, if I wait until _after_ the funeral and come back then, maybe I can still I can still get Arcangelo to follow through on his promise.”

**_“Sir, that really isn’t the purpose of the choices.”_ **

* * *

 

“Well, if you didn’t want me to find a third option, maybe you should have made sure there wasn’t one to find,” Kaz said. “You could have had Sadie say that I had to come back right then for Arcangelo to do it. By failing to put qualifiers on the conditions, you opened the door for this possibility.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right, sir,” Charles answered.

“I know I am, but it _is_ big of you to admit it,” Kaz said. “Let’s continue.”

* * *

 

“—And it seems now that Magistocratic experts, including Mr. Kaan’s own aunt, are confirming what we all feared,” said a news reporter standing in front of Times Square on the TV inside Caprese Bar. Lexy and Gottlieb were staring at the screen, transfixed.

“I can’t believe this,” Lexy said.

“Kaz can’t be dead, he just can’t be,” Gottlieb said. “Think of all the crazy shit he’s done. No way he’d let some pink, bitch-ass Valentine’s Day demon take him out.”

“The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye,” Lexy said solemnly.

There was a shot of Agatha, along with other pink and purple-haired Magistocrats scanning the the area with glowing hands. Sadie and Arcangelo were standing off to the side, watching them search. Agatha and the other Magistocrats exchanged looks before she looked at the reporter and shook her head gravely. Arcangelo and Sadie both looked shocked and overwhelmed.

The reporter bowed his head slightly. “Yes. There you have it, good people. Kaz Kaan, Neo Yokio’s most skilled Magistocrat and Number One Bachelor, has given his life in defense of our beloved city.”  

There was a large crowd of people anxiously standing in Times Square behind the reporter, who gasped as the news hit them. “As you can see, hundreds of people have gathered here in the hour since he went missing, awaiting the results of the search. Upon hearing Mr. Kaan declared dead, many have become distraught.”

“This is the greatest tragedy of our generation!” Herbert stood in the front of the crowd, nearly in tears. “An Ichiban bachelor cut down in his prime! On dark days such as these, our fair city reveals she can be just as cruel as she is glamorous.”

“It seems that Mr. Arcangelo Corelli, current number two bachelor and Kaz Kaan’s long time rival was here at the time of the tragedy and in a display of gentlemanly goodwill has been attempting to aid in the search.” The reporter was now moving toward Arcangelo and Sadie. “Mr. Corelli, a few words? How do you think this will affect the Bachelor Board moving forward?”

Arcangelo, who hadn’t seemed to notice his approach, looked startled.

Sadie, however, seemed offended. “Back off, you muckraking vulture!” she snapped at him. “Can’t you see we’re grieving?” She suddenly began to cry. “Poor Kazzie. He was a vain, materialistic moron, but he deserved better than to die like this.”

“Here.” Arcangelo held out his pocket square, which Sadie took.

He turned to the reporter, who was still waiting for his response, with a glare. He then looked at the crowd behind him and sighed. “The loss of an Ichiban Bachelor is an indescribable tragedy. As such, I request that the Bachelor Board be suspended for a month. The entire city, Bachelors included, must come together at a time like this.”

“Now, all of you scurry on home,” Arcangelo said. “Be with your loved ones. See if there’s any light left in this dark world.”

Arcangelo shoved the microphone back at the reporter and started to walk away, with Sadie looking after him, clearly concerned.

* * *

 

The next day, at Kaz’s apartment, Lexy, Gottlieb, Agatha, and Charles had all gathered in the living room. They were all dressed in mourning outfits of black and grey. From the window, a view of the Bachelor Board in Times Square could be seen, but instead of the usual rankings, there was just a slideshow of Kaz’s most flattering pictures with the words “In Memoriam” underneath.

“As you can all probably guess, the family business is basically ruined without Kaz,” Agatha said. “That means we’re going to have to be smart about money from now on. Lexy, Gottlieb, for starters, that means pulling Kaz’s ill-conceived investment out of your stupid little bar.”  

Lexy and Gottlieb looked at each other, totally in shock. Kaz, who was sitting in a chair set back a bit from the rest of the living room in order to watch them, also looked upset. “Aunt Agatha, you can’t do that!”

“Wait,what? But we can’t just pay you back. That money was an investment. It’s in the bar,” Lexy said.

“Then I suggest you sell it,” Agatha said, shaking her head. “Honestly, I’m not running a charity here.”

“Please, Ms. Kaan,” Charles said. “I sincerely doubt this is what Young Master Kaz would have wanted. Perhaps you should take his wishes into consideration. In fact, he had detailed plans for the funeral. I’ve taken the liberty of printing them out.”

Charles held out a stack of papers and Agatha took them. “That reminds me, I’ll need to find someone willing to take a mechabutler off my hands.”

“You’re _selling_ Charles?” Kaz asked.

At that, Sadie popped out of the mechasuit. “Well, that’s fine with me, you bitter old hag! I don’t want to work for you anyway.”

The doorbell suddenly rang.

“That must be Albert and Jeffrey from the Hamptons. Took those hillbillies long enough,” Agatha said. No one moved, and she glared at Sadie. “Well, answer the door. I haven’t sold you _yet_. As of right now you _do_ work for me, regardless of whether or not you want to.”  

Sadie grumbled and went to go open the door as Agatha looked over the papers.

“This… this is ridiculous,” Agatha said. “It would cost a fortune! We’re not doing this.”

Kaz was totally shocked and fell out of the chair onto the floor. “What? No!”

“I’ll cover it.”

Everyone turned to see Arcangelo standing behind Sadie. He was dressed in what appeared to be a black and grey version of his usual outfit.

Agatha looked at him, clearly annoyed. “Who the hell invited this East Side idiot?”

“I did,” Sadie said. “ _And_ he said he’d buy Charles, so I fucking quit. I work for him now.”

Kaz was now standing up and had walked over to Arcangelo. “What the hell? _You’re_ going to pay for my funeral? And Charles? This doesn’t make any sense!”

“I thought you hated Kaz,” Agatha looked at him for a moment, then sighed. “Whatever, the last thing I have time to do is figure out your bizarrely intimate little rivalry. I have a business to save and a nephew to bury. You want to take care of Kaz’s ludicrous funeral plans and buy his butler? Be my guest. They’re all yours, Corelli.”

She shoved the papers at Arcangelo as she started to leave the room, and  looked him in the eye. “Don’t screw this up, okay? For all of his faults, Kaz was a good kid. He deserves to be properly remembered.”

Arcangelo watched her leave in silence. Then, he looked down at the papers. For a moment he looked almost overwhelmed, but quickly regained his usual energy. He turned to the others. “Alright, West Side Gentlemen—and small, rude woman who I’m just now fully processing will be my constant companion for the indefinite future—it’s time to get to work.”

“Look, B, we’d love to make sure our boy has a proper send-off,” Lexy said. “But Agatha’s demanding we pay back Kaz’s investment in our bar. So, we need to find a buyer, stat.”

“Unless,” Gottlieb looked at Arcangelo for a moment, “you’re willing to let a little of that generosity flow in our direction.”

“It _is_ what Kaz would have wanted,” Lexy said.

Arcangelo looked at them for a few moments. “Alright, whatever. I’ll do it. Now, I need the two of you to start getting all of Kaz’s clothing together.”

“Oh, for the Will?” Lexy asked. “Sure thing, son.”

“No, not exact—” Arcangelo, who was still reading over the papers, suddenly froze. He looked nervous for a moment before his expression cleared. He looked at Sadie. “I’ll need you on the clock. Get back into the mechasuit and I’ll sync you up with my accounts, and you can call and make all of the necessary reservations and arrangements.”

“On it.” Sadie hopped back into the suit.

Kaz continued to look at Arcangelo, clearly puzzled. “Do you see my apparent death as a grim reminder of your own mortality? Is this just you having some sort of reckoning with the finite nature of human existence? Is that why you’re suddenly being so nice?” He seemed increasingly annoyed. “Ugh! I don’t believe this! I’m dead and you’re _still_ confusing the hell out of me!”

Arcangelo looked at Charles, Lexy, and Gottlieb for a moment, then smirked slightly. “Okay squad, let’s put on the best goddamn funeral this city has ever seen.”


	2. Rest in Peace, My Radiant Ichiban-Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arcangelo attempts to shove down his feelings about Kaz's apparent death by following the many instructions Kaz has left behind for his funeral, as a still invisible Kaz watches the memorial unfold. But will Kaz be able to tolerate Arcangelo's unorthodox and lavish interpretations of the notes he left behind, or will his frustration with Arcangelo's dramatic antics cause him to ruin his own wish? 
> 
> And what about Arcangelo? Will he be able to hold it together long enough to get through the funeral, or will he be overwhelmed by the unbearably strong feelings he was harboring for his most valued homie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry I haven't updated Confirmed Bachelors yet. Turns out moving is really hard. That's really the only excuse I have. I hope to have the next chapter for that fic done in the next week or so. Thanks everyone who is reading both fics and is being so patient. 
> 
> Also this fic will only be one more chapter after this one, so you have that to look forward to. Not sure when I will finish it, though. Now I'm working on getting a job and getting my new apartment in order, so we'll see how much free time I have. 
> 
> I realized that I accidentally checked the "moderate comments" box on this fic before. No idea how that happened, but it's gone now. As usual, I really appreciate comments and feedback. Thanks so much for everyone who read and Kudosed on this fic earlier. Hopefully commenting is a bit easier now.

The next day, Arcangelo stood in front of a crowd that had been gathered on the roof of Bergdorf’s department store. Charles stood next to him, with invisible Kaz looking on. Kaz looked out at the people.

“Honestly, I hadn’t imagined this would be a public event,” Kaz said, moderately annoyed. “I’d meant for it to be an intimate gathering of friends. A time to say goodbye. If I’d known Arcangelo was going to be in charge, I would have left clearer notes. No doubt he’ll make this as flashy and gaudy as possible.”

Kaz looked at Arcangelo for a moment. He was wearing a black suit with a light grey shirt and a patterned grey tie. “Who makes that tie? Is it Versace?”  Kaz reached out for the tie and then stopped himself.

Arcangelo took a step forward. “Thank you all for coming tonight. I’m sure you all know me, Arcangelo Corelli, as Gucci Jesus, the blond ichiban, or the one man boyband, but what you may not know about me is that I considered Kaz Kaan to be one of my closest friends. And now that he’s gone, I realize that we could have been a lot closer. That’s why, when the Bachelor Board goes back up a month from now, my name won’t be on it. Nor will it appear there ever again.”

Gasps of shock came from the crowd. Herbert stood at the front, utterly in shock. “Neo Yokio’s two most eligible bachelors gone from the board forever? How many more trials must we endure?”

“Wait, what?” Kaz looked at Arcangelo like he was totally insane. “W-Why would you do that? Seriously, Arcangelo, what else do you even _have_ ? Who _are_ you without the Bachelor Board? You’re _beyond_ cuckoo bananas! Seriously, Arcangelo, you need help!”

“Now, for the main event,” Arcangelo said. He snapped his fingers and two mechas flew up to the edge of the roof, holding either end of something long and thin that was covered in a pink, velvet cloth. They set it down on the large, raised platform behind Arcangelo, making it clear the object was at least ten feet tall. The mechabutlers lit two large torches on either side of the object, before flying away again.

Arcangelo walked up to it, with Charles behind him. Kaz seemed deeply confused and no longer concerned by Arcangelo’s troubling and erratic behavior. “What’s going on? What the fuck is _that_ thing?”

Arcangelo turned to Charles. “Charles, if you will.”

“With pleasure, sir.”

Charles grabbed the pink cloth and pulled it off, to reveal a small, scale model of the Bergdorf Goodman men’s store. Arcangelo smiled a bit upon seeing it, but Kaz looked somewhere between confused and disgusted.

“What is going _on_ here?” Kaz asked. He looked at Arcangelo. “What are you doing?”

“Upon his death, Kaz requested his impeccable wardrobe be burned, and its ashes released from the roof of Bergdorf Goodman. So, I have constructed this exact replica of the men’s store and had every one of his exquisite articles of clothing placed inside. And now, it will burn as a funeral offering for Kaz!”

For a brief moment, Arcangelo seemed almost unhinged. However, he quickly regained control and looked over at Lexy and Gottlieb, who were now each holding one of the torches. “Lexy, Gottlieb: light it up.”

They touched the torches to the model and it caught fire. Kaz looked at it for a moment, then suddenly freaked out. “Wait! I’m not _actually_ dead! What am I going to do after this? Arcangelo just set all of my clothes on fire! I’m watching my entire identity turn to ash in front of my eyes!”

Kaz looked down at the glove on his hand. “Ugh! What the hell was I thinking? I should never have made this stupid wish! Arcangelo’s just going to hijack the whole thing and make it about him! That’s it! I’m done with this! I wish—”

**_Are you certain you want to do that, sir?_ **

* * *

 

“Yeah, I’m sure!” Kaz said. “My funeral was supposed to be about me! Now Arcangelo’s turning it into a giant spectacle about himself! Just like he does with everything! And on top of that, he’s acting _super_ weird and it’s really distracting! This isn’t what I wanted at all! So, I’ll just undo the wish.”

“Are you sure you don’t wish to see this one through to the end? You can still undo the wish afterward,” Charles suggested.

Kaz seemed skeptical. “I don’t know, Charles. This story is starting to be more about Arcangelo than it is about me.”

“Well, it is rather difficult for you to affect the plot while you’re invisible, sir.”

“Yeah, I know. And I _do_ still want to see the funeral. I did leave instructions. How much could he really mess things up?”

“Any other feedback you’d like to give me, sir?”

“Sure,” Kaz said. “I mean, it’s not all bad. I think it’s still better than last time. I like how straightforward the morality is. Demons are bad. Fashion is good. Weird subversions of expectation with no greater purpose are overrated and, often, poorly executed. In this overly-complex world, life is already confusing enough. The narratives we turn to for reassurance and escape needn’t be so convoluted as to become unenjoyable.”

“I agree wholeheartedly, sir,” Charles said. They both looked over at the wall as another loud bang came from it.

“Man, they could be a little quieter. Maybe we should talk to them. They’re really disrupting my experience,” Kaz said.

“Oh. I don’t think that’s necessary,” Charles said quickly. “I’m virtually certain this will be the last disruption.” His voice seemed weirdly serious but Kaz didn’t seem to notice.

“Alright then,” Kaz said. “Oh, and I’d appreciate it if you could pick up the pace a little. I mainly wanted to see the funeral, not all of the planning and lead-up.”  

“Understood, sir.”

* * *

 

The next day, Arcangelo and Kaz stood at the front of a large cathedral next to a midnight blue casket with rose gold accents. The coffin was open, exposing the pale-pink lining. Kaz walked around it and ran his hands over it, approvingly.

“ _This_ is more like it,” Kaz said. “A customized Basketville Promethean Casket with a deep blue patina over pure bronze and rose gold hardware.” He reached in and touched the lining with a smile. “Pure cashmere.”

He looked over at Arcangelo. “I have to hand it to you, Arcangelo, I’m impressed. Not only did you manage to get the exact casket I designed in my notes, you got them to make it in three days. It’s supposed to take at least two weeks.”

There was glass placed on top of the casket, as if Kaz’s body had been placed inside for viewing. In its place, however, was his midnight blue tuxedo.

Arcangelo looked up from the clipboard he was holding as several of the East Side Gentlemen, all having traded their normal shorts for ones in various shades of grey, came in carrying huge bundles of pink and white roses. They stood in front of him, waiting for orders. “Those go next to the casket for now, but you’ll be placing them on top once the casket is closed.”

He watched as each of them placed their giant bouquets on the coffin, but suddenly reached out to stop one of them before he could. “What do you think you’re doing?”

All of the East Side Gentlemen froze and looked at one another, clearly worried. “Putting the flowers on the casket, just like you said, Arcangelo.”

Arcangelo reached into the bouquet and leaned over to look at it. “Are you blind? These roses are the wrong shade of pink! They need to be the exact shade of Kaz’s hair, just like the accents on the coffin lining!” He ripped the handful of them he was holding out of the bundle and threw them in the Gentleman’s face. “Go back, and make sure you get it right this time!”  

“But, Arcangelo, we’ve already been to every florist in—” the Gentleman started.

Arcangelo’s eyes narrowed in an almost dangerous way.

Another East Side Gentleman stepped in front of him. “Yes, of course, Arcangelo, right away.”

Set back a ways, Lexy, Gottlieb, and Charles were watching the situation, clearly concerned.

“Seriously, it’s bad enough that Kaz is gone. Now we have to deal with _this_ hot mess?” Gottlieb asked as he watched Arcangelo continue to throw a fit.

“Word,” Lexy answered. “First he quits the Bachelor Board forever and now this shit? He’s obviously cray. Watch yourself, Charles. If I were you, B, I’d be sleeping with one eye open.”

“I’m sure it’s just the stress from planning the funeral,” Charles responded.

“Maybe,” Lexy sounded skeptical.

“What else could it possibly be?” Charles asked.

“Kaz’s death finally pushed Arcangelo over the edge and we’re watching him turn into some sort of supervillain?” Gottlieb said.

“Now, _that_ sounds more like it,” Lexy said. “I always thought that bleach-blond, walking trust-fund was _way_ too weird to be so popular. Honestly, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.”

Kaz looked at them. “Woah, Lexy. That’s totally unfair. Arcangelo _doesn’t_ bleach his hair. I mean, obviously, he gets treatments to bring out his natural highlights, but who doesn’t? That’s just basic grooming.”   

“Charles!” Arcangelo called over to him and all three of them fell silent. “It’s time to finish setting up!”

“Right away, sir!” Charles answered. Charles walked up to the back of the altar and pulled on a cord, revealing a large stained glass window that now depicted Kaz fighting various demons.

Kaz looked at it. “The stained glass window was just on the Wish List! I didn’t think they would actually do it! I’m not sure I approve of all of his methods, but I can’t deny Arcangelo gets results. And, it’s surprisingly classy.”

Arcangelo smiled at the sight of the window for a brief moment before he turned his attention back to the main chapel. “Get the portraits in here!”

A long line of people in matching black suits, all carrying large, different portraits of Kaz walked into the chapel and began setting them up along the sides of the aisles.

Kaz’s face fell as he looked at the display. “Well, it could be worse, and at least I got my stained glass window and my coffin.”

“And now, for the _pièce de résistance_ ,” Arcangelo said. He took a small device out of his pocket, and spun around quickly, his hair fluttering behind him. He then pressed the a button on the device, causing a hologram of Kaz to appear on top of the glass on the open coffin. “Perfect.”

Kaz looked at it, his mouth open in disgust. “What the fuck is this?” He looked at Arcangelo, angry. “Just when I thought I could trust you, you pull this shit? This is disgusting! Even I thought you had more taste than _this_ , Arcangelo!”

“Damn,” Lexy said, as he, Charles, and Gottlieb all walked over to look at it. “Is that an actual hologram?” He ran his hand threw it a few times. “Okay, so, I know this ticks another box on Arcangelo’s road to supervillainy, but it _is_ pretty cool.”

“And, honestly, sort of comforting,” Gottlieb said. “He looks so peaceful.” He and Lexy looked at it for a few more moments before growing uncomfortable. “That being said, I think I’ve had enough. Honestly, I'm pretty shook just looking at it."

“Yeah, seeing homeboy in this coffin is too hardcore for me, dog,” Lexy added. He put an arm around Gottlieb’s shoulder. “I think we’re both going to need a quick second.”

The two of them turned and started to walk off, clearly upset. Arcangelo looked down at the hologram.  

“It is a most convincing likeness, sir,” Charles said. “You should be pleased with it.”

Kaz glared at them, before looking back at the hologram. “How can you say that, Charles? This _thing_ barely even looks like me! That is _not_ my nose!” He reached up and touched his nose, suddenly insecure. “Is it?” He shook his head. “And my hair’s all wrong! _And_ it’s a gross, tacky stunt!”

Arcangelo gave a small, sad smile before he leaned down over the hologram and allowed his lips to touch its forehead in a light kiss. “Rest in peace, my radiant ichiban-angel.”

“Ugh! Goddamnit, Arcangelo! You can’t just replace me with a few overpriced flashlights!” Kaz was clearly angry and frustrated, but also, possibly, flustered. “Today is supposed to be about _me_! Not you and your obsession with gaudy, ostentatious trash!”

Kaz clenched his hand into a fist and slammed it down through the hologram’s face so hard it cracked the glass underneath, sending a few shards into the air. Arcangelo and Charles blinked a few times, staring at the cracked glass.

“Ow!” Kaz cried out. “Damnit, that really hurt!”

“Charles,” Arcangelo said, clearly unsettled. “What the fuck was that?”

“I have no idea, sir,” Charles answered.

Kaz pulled his hand back to look at it, but as he did so, a few drops of blood fell from it onto the glass below. “Shit!”

Charles seemed to be processing something.

“Am I _bleeding_?” Arcangelo asked.

“Not that I can see,” Charles answered.“But perhaps you should go check. In fact, I do believe it’s about time you get changed for the service. The eulogist should be here by now, you should probably go talk to her.”

“Oh! Right! I wanted Aunt Angelique to give the eulogy.” Kaz smiled. “I can’t wait to see Aunt Agatha’s face.”

Arcangelo seemed suddenly uncomfortable. “Yeah, right. Clean this up and get some new glass in here, would you?”

“Of course, sir.”

“Thanks, you’re a peach,” Arcangelo smiled, as he set his clipboard down on a table. “Remind me to give you a bonus before my dad cuts me off after he sees the bill for this.”

“You can count on it, sir.”

As soon as Arcangelo left, Charles scanned the blood that had dripped onto the glass. “As I suspected.” He looked directly at where Kaz was standing. “Anything you’d like to confess, sir?”

Kaz jumped back, totally freaked out. “Shit! What am I going to do? If I don’t talk to him before Arcangelo gets back Charles will tell him everything!”

He looked around for some sort of solution and caught sight of Arcangelo’s clipboard. He rushed over , picked it up, and started to write on it. He then handed it to Charles. Charles took the paper out of the apparent thin air and  looked at it for a moment. “I see. I believe I’ll need a few moments to process this.”

A few seconds later, Sadie popped out of Charles’s body. “You stupid, worthless, selfish little shit!” She took the clipboard out of his hand and smacked him with it.

“Oww! How did you do that? You can’t even see me!”

“Yeah, that’s right, I don’t need to see you to hit you, you dumb ponce!” Sadie said. “How could you do this to all of us? Just because of your stupid wish? I have half a mind to grab you and put you in that coffin so we can bury you alive! It’s no less than you deserve!”

“Look, don’t tell— Right, ugh, you still can’t hear me.”  Kaz snatched the clipboard back and wrote something else down and shoved it at her again.

“What do you mean, ‘don’t tell Arcangelo?’ He’s a messy fucking wreck right now! And, if you’ve forgotten, I work for _him_ now! Because _you_ let him _buy me_ while you were pretending to be fucking dead!”

“Come on, please, Sadie, don’t tell him! I ju—” Kaz started, before remembering to write it down.

Sadie looked at his most recent message. “Fine, I’ll let you see this through to the end, but only because I’m really looking forward to the eulogy.” She smirked a bit. “But then, you’d better fix this whole bloody clusterfuck. You promise?”

“I promise!” Kaz said, then wrote it down and showed it to her.

Sadie sighed. “Now, I need to clean this up and get rid of all of this paper you wrote all over before Arcangelo gets back. Just stay out of the way and try not to call any more attention to yourself, you little prat. ”

“Yeah, no risk of that,” Kaz said sadly. “Arcangelo’s going to be hogging all of the attention for himself.”

As the funeral commenced, Kaz walked down to look at the front row. He stopped when he saw that both Agatha and Angelique had sat down in it. Angelique was wearing a multicolored dress, while Agatha was in black and grey mourning clothes.

“What on earth are you wearing?” Agatha said.  “You look ridiculous. Everyone will stare.”

“Could you please, for _once,_ think more about our nephew and our loved ones than about society?” Angelique asked. “Just for _one_ day?”

“I _am_ thinking about him,” Agatha said. “If _you’d_ ever actually spent any time with him, you would know that Kaz’s reputation meant more to him than anything else.”

“Only because you programmed him to be obsessed with the trends and opinions of this wretched, disgusting city,” Angelique answered. “And then you sent him out to die for it! He should have been free to do whatever he wanted!”

“He was! You just can’t accept that he would _choose_ to live in Neo Yokio, earn tons of money, and buy designer clothes!” Agatha snapped. “Because Kaz was decent and had a good heart, so he couldn’t have _possibly_ been anything like me, right?”

“Guys! Stop it! You can’t just use this as an excuse to fight! ” Kaz said. "It's my funeral, not some dumb family holiday!"

“You two do realize that there is no requirement that you sit together?” Kaz, Agatha, and Angelique looked over to see Arcangelo standing next to the aisle.

“Don’t you have a funeral to finish hijacking, Corelli?” Agatha asked. “I know this is dangerously close to work for someone in your family, but you can’t just quit halfway through.”

“Now, don’t be rude, sister,” Angelique said. “He’s already offered to pay for the entire service because you were too greedy to use the money our nephew earned to put him to rest. The least you can do is be polite to the boy.”

Angelique smiled at Arcangelo. “It’s good to see you again, Arcangelo. And in such a fetching shade of midnight-blue. I _also_ believe that wearing black to a funeral only makes it more depressing. I’m glad to see I’m in good company.”

Arcangelo smiled. “Why thank you, Ms. Kaan.”

She looked at Agatha. “See, how difficult was that?”

“I’m serious, either of you can move,” Arcangelo said, then sighed. “But it’s obvious you won’t. You’re only fighting because you care about each other. Honestly, I know family emotions can be complicated, but I would think you might see this as a chance to reconcile.”

“Besides,” Charles said. “The last thing Kaz would have wanted was for you two to be arguing at his funeral.”

“Thank you, Charles!” Kaz said.

Angelique and Agatha looked at each other for a few moments before Agatha spoke. “You’re probably right. Truce?”

Angelique smiled. “Truce.”

“Good.” Arcangelo turned to go. “Charles, you can stay with them if you want.” He stopped for a moment and looked at Charles. “Actually, Sadie, you don’t have to wear that stupid thing if you don’t want to. It’s up to you.”

“What? But then Charles won’t be at my funeral,” Kaz said. “He’s part of my brand!”

“Thank you, sir,” Charles said. “I’ll get changed immediately.”

“Ugh! You’re just doing this to annoy me, aren’t you? You’re the worst!” Kaz sighed and sat down next to Angelique in the pew. “Whatever.”

Kaz sat in the front row between Angelique and Sadie, arms folded and with a pout on his face. He looked on, annoyed, as the priest in front finished a prayer and Arcangelo stood up.

“Of course, as Neo Yokio’s most eligible bachelor, Kaz Kaan was special to all of us, but perhaps no one knew him better than the woman he selected to write his eulogy—”

Kaz looked over at Angelique, who did not stand up. “Huh, what’s going on?”

Sadie looked at him, making it clear she knew where he was, and smirked. Kaz then looked up at the stage and his jaw dropped in a combination of shock and horror. “No way! Cathy?”

A moderately annoyed and very uncomfortable looking Cathy made her way to the lectern. Kaz winced. “Shit! I must not have updated the notes about my funeral! I’d meant to! This is a total disaster!”

“When Arcangelo called me and asked me to speak at Kaz’s funeral, I honestly didn’t know where to begin,” Cathy said. “Even though things didn’t work out between us, one thing I can say for sure is that Kaz really did love Neo Yokio.” She stopped and looked over at Arcangelo with a glare. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. The truth is that the Kaz Kaan I knew wasn’t a heroic Magistocrat or a charming bachelor, he was a immature child. He had no idea who he was or what he wanted, from me or anyone else. He deserves to be pitied, maybe even mourned, but certainly _not_ to be idolized. _That’s_ how I feel, and if Kaz didn’t want me to say it, he shouldn’t have insisted I come here. Thank you.”

“This can’t possibly get any worse,” Kaz said, sinking into his seat.

“Bloody hell, I was looking forward to that, but it was way worse than I’d thought it would be,” Sadie said.

Agatha leaned over to Angelique. “I can’t believe this. What the hell was Kaz thinking? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost wish you’d said something instead.”

“I still can, sister, if you really want me to,” Angelique said.

Agatha looked at her for a moment, then smiled slightly. “I suppose it would be a shame to let a ‘real writer’ like you get shown up by some mousey investment banker.”

Angelique smiled back. “It would. Wouldn’t it?”

Kaz looked over at them, stunned. “Did you two just make up? What the hell is going on?”

Angelique got up and walked up to the lectern, stopping Arcangelo from getting there. “Do you mind letting an old lady say a few words?”

“N-No, of course not. Go right ahead.” Arcangelo said. He was clearly overwhelmed by what Cathy had done and had no plan of how to salvage the situation. He dropped his voice as he walked past her. He was obviously relieved. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, gorgeous.” She winked at him before taking the lectern.

“In many ways, my nephew Kaz _was_ still a child. However, I believe the same can be said of all of us,” Angelique said. “Whether it is because we choose to hide from the world’s problems behind money—”

Agatha looked at her, possibly annoyed.

“—or because we choose to hide from our family behind the problems of the world.”

Agatha’s expression cleared and she removed the sunglasses she had still been wearing to look directly at her sister.

“No one ever grows up completely, and that’s a good thing. Because if we learned everything there was to know, then life wouldn’t be worth living. Kaz had a childlike openness about his feelings, including his uncertainties, but I think that was what I loved most about him—his honesty and directness. It was a refreshing experience, particularly here in Neo Yokio.” Angelique looked out at the crowd and smiled. “So, when I think of my nephew, I will remember that honesty, which I think gave more to Neo Yokio than his work as a Magistocrat or his reputation as a fashion icon. And I hope you will all do the same. Thank you.”

Kaz smiled. “I guess that actually turned out alright. I really need to remember to change those notes when I undo this wish, though.”

**_“Wait, wait, wait! Charles! Is that really true?”_ **

* * *

“Is _what_ really true, sir?” Charles asked.

“Did I really forget to update my funeral notes to say that I didn’t want Cathy to speak at it?”

“According to the documents I have access to, I’m afraid so,” Charles said.

“Why would I _do_ that?” Kaz asked. He thought for a moment. “Of course! Ugh! I’m such an idiot! I mean at first, I thought we might get back together, but then I was going to wait to change it until I saw her again so I could tell her to her face that I was changing it.”

“I see,” Charles said. “Would you like me to amend the document now, sir?”

Kaz thought for a moment, then sighed. “Yeah, I guess there’s no point in rubbing it in her face.”

“That’s very mature of you, sir,” Charles said.

“I mean, I would if I was going to the party tonight, but seeing as I probably won’t get the chance, I should just get this taken care of.”

“As you wish, sir.”

* * *

A priest stood next to Kaz’s open grave as the West Side Gentlemen’s field hockey team, led by Lexy and Gottlieb, carried Kaz’s casket toward it from the open elevator. Behind them came Agatha, Angelique, Sadie, and Arcangelo.

“That was some procession,” Kaz said as he followed them out of the elevator. “I didn’t know there were that many horses in the whole city. A little flashy for my taste, but at least it was better than that stupid hologram.”

Kaz watched as they put the casket into the ground and people came by one at a time to pay respects. Sadie, Angelique, Agatha, and Arcangelo stood on the opposite side as they did so. Lexy and Gottlieb walked up to it, clearly very emotional.

“I guess this is really goodbye, son,” Lexy said. “You were truly one of the greats.”

“You’ll be playing on the great field hockey pitch in the sky,” Gottlieb said.

“I… I just can’t, B,” Lexy said. “It’s too much. It’s too real.” He wiped away a few tears as he and Gottlieb headed off, arms around each other for comfort. Sadie shook her head, clearly annoyed.

People filtered through one at a time, mainly other bachelors and West Side Gentlemen. Freddie Miles looked at Arcangelo as he started to walk away. “You sure about quitting the bachelor game, Corelli?”

Arcangelo gave him a smile. “Yeah, I am. The board’s all yours now, buddy. ”

“It’s more an L than a W for me, at this point,” Freddie said. “I mean, I always assumed you and Kaz would leave the Board, you know, uh, simultaneously. But I didn’t think it’d play out like this. This shit is too dark.” He gave Arcangelo a concerned look and patted him on the back. “Take care of yourself, man.”

Once only Agatha, Angelique, Sadie, and Arcangelo remained a long silence set in. Angelique looked at him. “Arcangelo, would you like to come back to Kaz’s apartment for the wake? You’re more than welcome after all you’ve done.”

“Oh, no. I’d hate to intrude on a family gathering,” Arcangelo answered.

“Don’t be silly. You’re more than welcome,” Angelique said. “I’m sure—”

“Don’t waste your breath, Angelique,” Agatha said. “He’s not going to come to a small, _West Side_ family event.”

“Well, if that’s what passes for manners on the West Side, I can’t say I blame him,” Angelique said. She smiled at Arcangelo. “But, don’t take her accusations too seriously. As I said, we’d be more than happy to have you.”

“Speaking of the wake,” Agatha said. “We should really get going. Can’t let Jeffery be alone in the house with the good silver.”

Arcangelo watched them leave, then walked up to Kaz’s grave and put his hand up against the tombstone.

Sadie watched him, clearly concerned. “Look, Arcangelo, there’s something you—”

Arcangelo suddenly leaned over, his emerald eyes sparkling with an emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. He put his face in his hand as his hair fell forward to cover his eyes in a tragic, yet elegant, shadow. Tears fell onto the black granite topstone over Kaz’s grave in total silence, as Arcangelo stifled his s—

**_“Okay, okay, I get it! Stop!”_ **

* * *

“Do you believe that my description of Mr. Corelli was somehow inaccurate, sir?” Charles asked.

“I mean, I guess not?” Kaz replied. “And, honestly, I only made the wish to see how other people would react to me dying. But I don’t need a purple prose description of him crying. The whole thing makes me feel weird. I don’t want to think about it.”

Charles was silent for a moment. When he spoke, he sounded almost pleased. “I see. In that case, I apologize, sir.”

“Well, apology accepted, Charles, just don’t do it again.”

* * *

“Arcangelo?” Kaz asked, looked at him almost in disbelief. “Are you _crying_?”

Arcangelo dropped to his knees, still leaning over the grave and crying. “Kaz, I-I’m so sorry.”

“Woah! Arcangelo!” Kaz seemed confused, and bit uncomfortable. “I mean, sure, the funeral was a little tacky, but it wasn’t that bad!”

Sadie sighed and pulled Arcangelo into a hug. “There, there, it’s alright. Everything’s going to be just fine. I promise.” Her eyes narrowed in irritation as she rubbed Arcangelo’s back. “Fucking soon, if someone knows what’s bloody good for him.”

“You don’t get it! This is all my fault!” He took his dove grey glove out of his inside pocket and looked at it, annoyed. “Because I _had_ to argue with Kaz about these stupid gloves! Because I couldn’t stand to let him leave without demanding his attention! If I hadn’t wasted his time, he wouldn’t have been there! The two of you would have already left! It’s my fault he’s dead! And he… he was my…”

“Shh.” Sadie hugged him a bit tighter. Although she didn’t know where Kaz was, she looked around for him, obviously angry. “None of this is _your_ fault, Arcangelo.”

“Yeah, it… isn’t, actually,” Kaz said.“I wanted you to feel bad, but not _this_ bad. I mean, maybe about that ugly hologram. But I didn’t think you’d blame yourself for my death. Seriously, you can knock it off, I’m almost starting to feel guilty.”

“I-I just… I wish I could just see him and talk again,” Arcangelo said.

Sadie’s eyes widened in realization. “Arcangelo, wai—”

Arcangelo, however, was staring straight ahead of him. He blinked a few times in disbelief. “K-Kaz? Is that really you?”

Kaz looked back at him. “If anything, I should be asking _you_ that question. I can’t believe Arcangelo Corelli is on the ground getting dirt all over a midnight blue tuxedo.”

Arcangelo smiled and shoved Sadie out of the way as he stood up. “Kaz! You’re alive?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve been here the whole time. You just couldn’t see me. Look, Arcangelo, I can exp—”

“Nope! First, I have to hug you with my body!” Arcangelo said. He grabbed Kaz and pulled him into a tight hug.

At first, Kaz seemed surprised, possibly even uncomfortable, but a few moments later he relaxed and reached up and returned the hug with a small smile.

“So, you saw everything? Your whole funeral?” Arcangelo asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, what did you think, bestie?” Arcangelo said. “I followed all of the notes you left.” Arcangelo pulled back from him a little bit, and looked down at Kaz with an expectant smile.

Kaz looked up at Arcangelo’s hopeful face with a sort of bemused contemplation. “Honestly, Arcangelo? It was sort of a mixed bag. I mean, I know I told you to burn all of my stuff, but since I wasn’t dead, I hated watching it. And _what_ was up with that awful hologram? That thing was the worst!”

“O-Oh,” Arcangelo looked suddenly upset.

“But, there were _some_ good things,” Kaz added. “The coffin was great, and I _was_ really impressed that you got it so quickly. And, it’s not like the Cathy thing was _your_ fault. Honestly, even if it _wasn’t_ the classic, elegant ceremony I envisioned all my life, I guess I’m glad you were the one doing it. You _were_ the only person who was appropriately upset about my untimely demise. I can’t imagine that anyone else would have done a better job. And now you’ll know for next time.”

“Oh, Kaz, you’re so silly.” Arcangelo laughed and pulled Kaz back into a tight hug. “I won’t see another one of your funerals.”  

Sadie watched them for a few moments, with obvious approval before she folded her arms. “Alright, alright, that’s enough of this mushy stuff. Let me see him already! He’s got a lot to answer for!”

Arcangelo took a step back, grabbed Kaz and turned him around, in order to show him to Sadie. “I present to you a very much not dead Kaz Kaan.”

Sadie looked at them both a few times, blinking a few times, obviously confused and unable to see him. “So, where is he?”

“What do you mean? He’s right here.” Arcangelo looked at Kaz, then ran the hands he had been resting on Kaz’s shoulders down his arms.

Sadie suddenly looked annoyed. “For fuck’s sake, you’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve ruined the whole bloody thing! Can you not even make a goddamn wish right, you great, gorgeous idiot?”  

“Wish?” Arcangelo asked. “What are you talking about? You mean the gloves? Wait, are you saying I can see Kaz because I _wished_ to?”

“Yeah! And _you_ wished for ‘just you’ to be able to see Kaz. He’s still invisible to everyone else, you beautiful, blond nitwit!”

Arcangelo blinked a few times, then smirked a bit. “So, _all_ of the wishes worked then.”

“Well, _I_ can just wish for everyone to be able to see me,” Kaz said. “It’s not a big deal.” He held up the glove and looked at it.

Arcangelo’s eyes widened a bit almost in a panic for a brief moment. “Wait, don’t do that!”  

“Why not?” Kaz was clearly confused.

Arcangelo was obviously torn. He turned Kaz around to look at him again.  “Well, you definitely _can_ , homie. And we can go crash your wake together, if that’s  _really_ your heart’s desire.” He ran a finger down Kaz’s chest, pressing down a bit once he got to Kaz’s heart.

“Are you saying there’s another option?”

“We could wait,” Arcangelo said, his tone was both mischievous and inviting. “You _did_ say that you thought I was the only person who was upset enough about you dying, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, obviously,” Kaz said. “As flawed as many of your efforts were, at least you were thinking about _me_ . Everyone else was just thinking about how me being dead affected _them_.”

“Well, then, maybe you should teach them a lesson,” Arcangelo suggested. “Just wait another day or so to come back. Let it really sink in.”

Sadie looked at them, clearly disgusted. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! You conniving, self-centered little brats! Kaz, you wouldn’t fucking dare!”

“Well, it couldn’t hurt to wait a little longer, just until they realize how much they appreciated me. But I still want to go to Freddie’s Valentine’s Day party this weekend.” Kaz smirked at Arcangelo a bit. “Especially since _you_ promised to wear whatever I wanted if I came back.”

Arcangelo looked nervous for a moment. “Come on, home skittle, you wouldn’t _really_ put this perfect specimen in knock-offs, would you?” He held his arms out, showing off both his tuxedo and the body in it.

Kaz sighed. “Fine, I won’t make you wear knock-offs to Freddie’s party. You worked really hard on my funeral, and it’s not like there’s a Bachelor Board right now anyway.”

Arcangelo looked at him for a moment, before his eyes widened with an idea. “Brain blast! I know! Why don’t we go to Bergdorf Goodman right now and pick out ensembles for each other to wear to Freddie’s party? That way I keep my promise and it’s fair.”

Kaz considered it for a moment, then smiled. “Well, I _do_ need to go to Bergdorf’s anyway, seeing as you set all of my clothes on fire.”

Arcangelo grabbed Kaz’s hand and turned dramatically to Sadie. “Get back in the suit, Sadie, we’re going to Bergdorf’s!”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it for now. 
> 
> As usual, all of the brands I mentioned are real things. That whole copper casket thing is totally real. I spent a lot of time looking up the most expensive/high end caskets and I'm pretty sure Google thinks I have a job as a funeral planner for very wealthy old people now. 
> 
> Anyway thanks so much for reading and if you enjoyed it, please leave Kudos or a comment, it means a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> There's the first chapter. The whole story is basically a Monkey's Paw story, but without the monkey's paw. We have gloves instead. I had a lot of time thinking about the wishes etc. Kaz wanting to see his own funeral seems like a no-brainer, but, of course, it makes Arcangelo really upset. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought if you have time. Thanks so much for reading!


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